“Oh you’re so clumsy. You can never get your stuff together.”
I had heard the phrase from so many people and each time I heard it, it fell on me like a God-sent prophecy. Carelessness and clumsiness felt like a part of who I was naturally and hence I could do nothing to change it.
Little did I know that what I felt at those times was shame. By definition, shame is the deeply painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and somehow unworthy and inadequate in some sort. The self-talk that follows the feeling of shame is characterized by statements like, “I am..”. The complete focus is on the self and how fundamental the flaw or problem is.
Since shame tells us that the problem is fundamental and so ingrained within us, taking action for change is difficult. That’s where author and researcher, Brené Brown steps in. What she suggests to do is to shift the focus from self to behavior.
Instead of saying that “I am bad”, practice saying “I have done something bad.”
The latter statement tells us that we have done something bad and it is just our behavior that needs a change and that nothing fundamental is wrong with us. It expresses guilt over something wrong that we did.
Experiencing guilt over something that we did wrongly gives us a fair chance to correct it and change the narrative. It doesn’t impose on us the burden of being fundamentally flawed or bad in any way.
But is that enough? More than often, we are too wrapped up in a vicious cycle of negative self-talk, secrecy, and denial that only helps shame to grow. In such a situation, changing the internal dialogue can be the first step toward the change. The next step would be sharing our feeling of discomfort and pain with somebody who can really empathize with us. Being vulnerable with someone who really can step into our discomfort and be there with us without judgment will help us come out of the walls that we have built around us.
I hope the major takeaway from this article would be to change our internal dialogue and to be kind to not just others but also to ourselves.